moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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