I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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