She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
