I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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