She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize