Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
