I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
thus making me awesome and them whores
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
