Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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