DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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