I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I need water and some morals
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
