I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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