Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
