I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
