I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
