I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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