who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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