I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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