Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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