He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
