oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
