you traded sex for a burrito?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
