I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
