omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
we're so committed to being not committed
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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