first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
