Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
