My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
