just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
