I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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