Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
