Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
