there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
