apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
