My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
