I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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