how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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