Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
