So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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