STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
