The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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