Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
How naked do you want me to be?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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