There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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