My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize