So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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