I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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