my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
