She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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