I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
