If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
