theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
