she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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