cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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