Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
