so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
