3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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