I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
