It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize